The Light Bulb and "The Plan"

You may have noticed that I have not mentioned anything on the PhD front lately. That is because I was too stressed out about the whole thing to think or write about. This PhD has been very hard on me and the closer I get to finishing, the worse it gets. My advisor and I are not working very well together. He adds a huge amount to my stress level. My husband's desire for me to get finished also adds to the weight on my shoulders. The more stress I feel the less I seem to get done. It is not that I don't try, only that I am less effective. My mind seems to work more slowly, my concentration is crummy and I just seem to lose efficiency. Which makes me more stressed. I had an idea before the Mexico trip, but was advised to think on it. I knew, as soon as the light bulb went on, that it was the way to go, and the only way to preserve whatever sanity I may actually have. My advisor has been pressuring me to finish up by the end of the quarter (December 13) while adding additional things for me to do first. I was getting more and more overwhelmed with the idea of fitting all that work in to such a short time and knowing that I couldn't do it. But my advisor has a reason: the lab is full and he has another lab member joining the lab in January, He can't afford to keep paying me and needs the space. "Why doesn't he stop adding stuff for me to do," you might ask (I often do!). He seems to be incapable. Meanwhile, Tim is we are working on a remodel of a beautiful house for the future, and I am not even there to be included. I have only seen our wonderful house a few times! I saw it for a few hours on the day I flew down there to look at it and make an offer, and then for the 4 days I was in town with the architects in August. I feel so left out, but I am so overwhelmed with everything, that I can't let myself get distracted by it. I am in a terrible position! It was taking it's toll on me in from late September through October and I knew that I had reached my limit. I was in a really bad place and had to do something to get out. I was so stressed out that I didn't even want to go to Mexico! I couldn't even identify with any joy at the thought of going and that disturbed me. Intellectually, I knew that was not good or normal. Emotionally, the numbness felt like relief. I knew I was in a bad place mentally, but felt trapped there, separated from part of myself -from my joy and happiness.

Somehow I realized what I needed to do (I thank God for that, you can see it however you wish). Here is my plan: I am going to take a leave of absence from graduate school. I will take next quarter off, maybe two quarters. I will move to Tahoe with Tim, Jack, and Denver. I will write my paper and my dissertation down there. This quarter ends on Dec 13, so whatever science still needs to be done on the paper, my advisor will have to do, or have the technician do it. To be fair, she (tech) is doing stuff now, to help. I will commute up here to Seattle regularly to work with my advisor and committee, but I will get some peace and quite, too. I will be in the mountains I love, skiing frequently, being involved in our house remodel, writing and living with my husband. I'm not sure if I've ever explained it, but Tim works in the Tahoe area. He works for one week, then gets a week off. He has been commuting for about 3 years for this job. He has also had a couple of jobs that were 2 weeks on/2 weeks off. We have only lived together full time for about 11 months of our marriage (6+ years). Yes, of course, that adds to my stress level. So now I'll be the one commuting. This may sound a little wimpy, like I'm running away from a tough situation, but I see it differently. I like to see this change as simply taking care of myself. I have had support from lab members, who agree that I am not treated well. One labmate suggested that I should do what ever I can to get myself out of there, for my sake. Part of the problem is that I actually try to stand up to my advisor, where as it seems that most others just let him bully them. So, he picks on me, trying to break me down. There is the concern (admit it, you're thinking this) that I may never come back and finish. Those who know me, know that I am stubborn. So try to see it this way: I am too stubborn not to get credit for this huge amount of really great research I have done! My committee felt that I had more than enough data to earn a PhD by the summer of 2005. I deserve this; I earned it. I want it!

I will be moving myself and the dogs down to Tahoe in early January! That has helped me immensely, to know that there really is an end in sight.

In the middle of a remodel? Fat chance!